Need some advice.. :/

[bannerd]

I just was out of a pretty bad relationship, found out my ex was in love with me and some other guy. Which she said she loved both of us so and it didn't work out so well as you can imagine. I pulled short straw on that one. Anyways that was about a year of recovery for me and sometimes the bar just doesn't do it but you have to keep social with people. I met this girl a month ago, we've been talking and hanging out just trying to get to know each other. Last night I went to her moms house and I found out she has a kid, she's 19, doesn't have a drivers license or a job. I was kind of surprise because I was really interested in her and I just felt like someone removed a piece of me last night. When I first stepped into this I knew she didn't have a job which didn't matter to me, I make good money. I knew she didn't have a drivers license which didn't matter to me because I can teach her. She didn't mention anything about being a mom to me and because I found this out myself I don't know what I should do. I can support the little girl easily but there is a lot more to it than that. How do you ladies feel about dating a man with a kid and how do you guys feel about dating a girl with a kid.

:(

[Pitcherman]

It would probably be a deal breaker for me since she wasn't up front about it. I can understand not telling you imediately but after talking a few times and it never "came up" tells me she's trying to hook a guy and drag him in instead of just being honest.

[MoN]

I kind of agree with Pitcherman. She def should have mentioned it, and its kind of strange she didnt especially when she invited you to her house.... But then again, maybe she didnt mention it because she wants to make it look as if she is not looking for you to play the daddy role. But regardless in a situation as this, if you feel that you want to continue seeking a serious relationship with this girl you need to feel deep down that you will love her AND her daughter. In the future if you dont have the bond with her daughter it will cause a downward spiral. So just think about it truely, she might tell you she doesnt care about that but in reality... she is a young mother who may not think about this now but eventually she is a mother and her child will come first....

Also you mentioned her not having a job, license, etc... Find out if she has any goals in mind, and is planning on moving on up. You may be down to taking care of them now but you will get bored of someone w/ no aspirations quickly.

Just talk to her and find out what she is looking for before you make any decicions. Good luck!

[GirLDriven08STi]

+1 for Pitcherman! i wouldn't want someone not telling me that kind of information, especially when you're trying to get to know the person. not telling someone because you don't want them to feel obligated to take on the mommy/daddy role is total bullsh!t. when telling someone you have a child, you're basically telling them that the relationship will be more complicated than others because you have a huge responsibility that involves taking care another life. before i had my daughter, i had a bf who had twins and believe me, the relationship was anything but normal and i accepted it. but her not telling you from the start can break whatever you both got going.

ever since i had my daughter and my sperm donor left us, i have always included letting the potential bf know i have a child and if it's not ok, it won't work and they can keep moving. knowing that someone has a child is very hard on a relationship when the child is from a previous relationship. you should know that you'll NEVER come first and the child comes first 110% of the time. you should take into consideration that there will be times where plans will not go the way you planned. maybe just try dating her for a few months and see how you handle her having a child. how involved is she and her baby's daddy? that could always cause a lot of waves in a relationship.

i have been very fortunate that i have found a bf who doesn't mind me having a child. i have no issues with my bf and my daughter's donor because he decided to be out of the picture. in a way it's easier but also harder. i have my daughter whenever i'm not in school and not at work. so just be prepared to always have a child around unless she's one of those who has her parents take care of her child.

for her not having a job ... is there a reason why? is she in college or something? like SubieCutie said, find out if she has goals in life. i would've thought she would have atleast a part-time job to support her child

[bannerd]

Thanks for the advice all, we got into a argument today and sadly it was over her daughter. I acted kind of odd about it when it first happen and to me it's a lot to absorb. I'm sure she saw right through me but what did she want me to do you know? I told her how I felt I told her that I was willing to work with her. I don't know what else to say, I just know every relationship I've been in I've failed, I never wanted to give up, I just wanted to make things better but it is never my choice anymore at the end. I know she wants to be a nurse she is already getting her LPN license and things.

She kept asking me how I would take care of both of them, I don't think she was thinking. I own my own house and I have a good job which I could support them easy. I know I would have to make sacrifices but I'm the most laid back guy you'll ever meet. Anyways, as of today she's not talking to me so I don't know..

[hqp921]

I just was out of a pretty bad relationship, found out my ex was in love with me and some other guy. Which she said she loved both of us so and it didn't work out so well as you can imagine. I pulled short straw on that one.

Sorry to hear about it - heartbreak is universal...

Last night I went to her moms house and I found out she has a kid, she's 19, doesn't have a drivers license or a job.

I might be reading into this too much... this girl you're interested in is 19 with a kid, and doesn't have a job or license right...? The way you wrote it, it could be interpreted that the kid is 19 w/o a job or license, lol. :)


I was kind of surprise because I was really interested in her and I just felt like someone removed a piece of me last night.[quote]

Sounds like you feel like you've been duped...

[quote]When I first stepped into this I knew she didn't have a job which didn't matter to me, I make good money.

Times are tough -- I'd be concerned if trying to get a job is even a concern for her. I can understand trying to secure a job, but having difficulty. Even to support herself, or her child, I feel as though you'd try to get something. That is just a personal bias though.


I knew she didn't have a drivers license which didn't matter to me because I can teach her.

Between the "I make good money" and "I can teach her" it sounds like taking on a lot at a beginning of a relationship. There are seasoned relationships (i.e. marriages) that struggle when trying to survive on one income.

I'm not saying this isn't the right person for you (who am I to say so?), but I can say that you want to make sure you're starting on the right foot...


She didn't mention anything about being a mom to me and because I found this out myself I don't know what I should do. I can support the little girl easily but there is a lot more to it than that. How do you ladies feel about dating a man with a kid and how do you guys feel about dating a girl with a kid.

:(

I think it comes down to maturity...

She might have not known what to do -- do I let him know I have a kid? Do I not? I think a month is ample time to let someone know you have a kid...

To me, given where I am at my point in life, I could not be with a girl who had a kid - I'm at the point where I'd rather have my own.

I don't know you, so I can't say for certain, but you said you could support the baby, but as you said, there is a lot more to it --- think about the emotional aspects of the, and how profound having a child really is. Everyone I know, their life changed when they had their child... not sure what you're looking for, but I'd see taking care of a child as a "time to settle down" phase of life...

- HP

[hqp921]

Thanks for the advice all, we got into a argument today and sadly it was over her daughter. I acted kind of odd about it when it first happen and to me it's a lot to absorb. I'm sure she saw right through me but what did she want me to do you know? I told her how I felt I told her that I was willing to work with her. I don't know what else to say, I just know every relationship I've been in I've failed, I never wanted to give up, I just wanted to make things better but it is never my choice anymore at the end. I know she wants to be a nurse she is already getting her LPN license and things.

Relationships are two way, and you need to work at them - they don't just "happen." Even with a lot of chemistry - physical and emotional - there is to be effort from both sides to keep it going and interesting.


She kept asking me how I would take care of both of them, I don't think she was thinking. I own my own house and I have a good job which I could support them easy. I know I would have to make sacrifices but I'm the most laid back guy you'll ever meet. Anyways, as of today she's not talking to me so I don't know..

....How is she going to take care of the baby and herself...?

I mean, she's worried about you taking care of all 3... but I'm thinking, "How can she be worried if she doesn't have a job?"

Between your first post, and your follow up and her not "talking to you anymore."

I dunno, it seems like a lot of effort and drama.

Now, here's me being a callous outsider: You've met the girl a month ago - I'm not sure how the relationship has progressed, but she never told you about the kid. You came here looking for advice on a lot of things that you felt unsure about... This girl may knock your socks off, but as I said earlier, you wanna start things off on the right foot... and if you don't, you want to be able to work with the person to do so.

How old is the baby?

Are you two dating? Or?

According to your profile, you're 24... She's too busy now (or should be, with child) to even go out... but if she's 19, that means at least 2 years before she can go out to bars legally...

"Hey, that's a dumb point," you might say, but have you talked about it to any of your friends and colleagues? What do they think? Can you all hang out together?

You will always be able to go on a forum and complain or ask advice... but having friends in person and close by are a true help. If none of your friends are keen to the idea, that should tell you something.

So far, all I've heard is what you can do for her. How you can support both, how you can teach her to drive... If we're talking relationships, and serious ones, at that, I'd like to know -- what is she going to do for you?

- HP


I'm not trying to be a jerk or anything - just looking at it from a purely logical point of view. You're a month in... what happens when you commit and something small becomes something big in a month? 3 months? 6 months? A year?

[mybabyblue]

hey, everyones basically saying the same thing it seems. if i was into someone that had a kid and didnt tell me, i would be hesitant to go any further with the relationship. it sucks that shes not talking to you right now, but hopefully she can give you a reason as to why she didnt tell you about the kid, and you guys may be able to see where things are going. good luck

[xxthat girlxx]

To the OP, how old are you (if you don't mind me asking)?

Personally, I would be very hesitant to date a guy who had kids. Hell, I went on a couple dates with a guy was divorced and that was even stepping out of my comfort zone. But, if I met the right guy, I'd make it work.

It sounds suspicious that she didn't tell you. Trust is very important and I'd be PISSED. She still hasn't sad anything about the child to you? Like "oops, forgot to mention it." Don't let someone like that take advantage of you. If she was in fact trying to get you to like her for who she is regardless of a kid I would have imagined she would have already apologized for not telling you sooner and explained herself.

If you tell me your age and I'll have more on this situation.

[GirLDriven08STi]

well, i think she's immature and selfish. being able to go out a lot without your child is hard, i know that for a fact. i just can't understand for a month why she didn't bring up her child once. she's not worth the effort or drama.

since you have your own house and have a good paying job, i say look for an independent WOMAN (not a girl) who can support herself. you don't need the extra baggage. you did a lot to get where you are, you shouldn't even bother with a girl like her.

[bannerd]

To the OP, how old are you (if you don't mind me asking)?

Personally, I would be very hesitant to date a guy who had kids. Hell, I went on a couple dates with a guy was divorced and that was even stepping out of my comfort zone. But, if I met the right guy, I'd make it work.

It sounds suspicious that she didn't tell you. Trust is very important and I'd be PISSED. She still hasn't sad anything about the child to you? Like "oops, forgot to mention it." Don't let someone like that take advantage of you. If she was in fact trying to get you to like her for who she is regardless of a kid I would have imagined she would have already apologized for not telling you sooner and explained herself.

If you tell me your age and I'll have more on this situation.

I'm 24 years old soon to be 25... as I've mention I've made some serious moves like buying a house (grr bills) but the only reason for this is I'm dedicated to my job and thought it would be a good investment. We talked tonight and she is still avoiding her kid, I don't understand it... perhaps it touched her life and was a bad deal for her. I'm not sure what is going on... but I would like to know before I get involved. I think she is too immature and hasn't absorb life yet.. Why not talk about your own flesh and blood? Nothing is a mistake, everything has a purpose. I guess I don't know how to correct it honestly... It's like she is so uptight and will not loosen up. As soon as I talk about her daughter she gets all defensive and talks about something else. haha..I don't know, I have the worst luck.

[xxthat girlxx]

I'm 24 years old soon to be 25... as I've mention I've made some serious moves like buying a house (grr bills) but the only reason for this is I'm dedicated to my job and thought it would be a good investment. We talked tonight and she is still avoiding her kid, I don't understand it... perhaps it touched her life and was a bad deal for her. I'm not sure what is going on... but I would like to know before I get involved. I think she is too immature and hasn't absorb life yet.. Why not talk about your own flesh and blood? Nothing is a mistake, everything has a purpose. I guess I don't know how to correct it honestly... It's like she is so uptight and will not loosen up. As soon as I talk about her daughter she gets all defensive and talks about something else. haha..I don't know, I have the worst luck.

Yeah. Dude, she's 19 and WAY too immature for you. Not to mention you're young, have a good job, a house, a nice car... don't give stuff like that to a girl who doesn't deserve it. Even though I'm a year older than you and pull the "old" card all the time, you are young and have lots of time to find "the right one." Don't even THINK about supporting somone who can't pull their own weight in a relationship with you. Does that mean they have to have as good of a job etc? No, but you'll know the difference when you start to meet someone on your level.

[sleepy04]

Well you can tell this isn't a guy dominted website, no one has posted TTIWWOP. :lol:

Srsly though, both of you are pretty young. She's ONLY 19, thats barely out of HS, and your 24. Both of you have a LOT of growing up to do. When you say hanging out together, do you mean in groups or as a couple together?

She could have been nervious about telling you about the kid, some ppl are prejudiced about that stuff. Don't push her about the kid yet, you've only known her a month. Eventually she'll open up, and if she doesn't, she's not the one. I dated a girl with kids, not much older than this one. It is a very difficult time, and by difficult i mean MONUMENTAL, but it can work out if you try.

I would let her know that, if you are interested in her that you want to take it slow, no long term commitment yet. Your both really young, so enjoy the ride.

[hqp921]

I guess I don't know how to correct it honestly... It's like she is so uptight and will not loosen up. As soon as I talk about her daughter she gets all defensive and talks about something else. haha..I don't know, I have the worst luck.

Stop trying to "correct" it.

You're going to have a long tough life believing that people you need, need your help to be "corrected." Maybe if you've been friends w/ this person for a long time and they suddenly change who they are, and need some nudging to get back on track... but if she has a communication, self-esteem, etc. issue, that you think if you "correct," things will get better -- don't be so sure.

If she's getting defensive, and not opening up... it's either your approach or she's not open to communicating honestly. If you've tried to change the former, and the latter is the issue... I'd say it's not worth it to keep pursuing. If you can't be open and honest now, what makes you think it'll change.

No matter how pretty a girl (or handsome a guy) is, someone, somewhere is sick of putting up with their ****.

- HP

[bannerd]

Yeah. Dude, she's 19 and WAY too immature for you. Not to mention you're young, have a good job, a house, a nice car... don't give stuff like that to a girl who doesn't deserve it. Even though I'm a year older than you and pull the "old" card all the time, you are young and have lots of time to find "the right one." Don't even THINK about supporting somone who can't pull their own weight in a relationship with you. Does that mean they have to have as good of a job etc? No, but you'll know the difference when you start to meet someone on your level.

Yeah, I think you nailed it... it just showed tonight. I guess everyone was unique but this is the first time I've ever dated a girl with a kid. The odds are pretty good these days but she needs time alone to figure it out. I honestly think that is the best thing right now.

[hqp921]

Even though I'm a year older than you and pull the "old" card all the time

It's not (just) a matter of age, but of experience and thinking things through.

Don't even THINK about supporting somone who can't pull their own weight in a relationship with you. Does that mean they have to have as good of a job etc? No, but you'll know the difference when you start to meet someone on your level.

+1.

Well you can tell this isn't a guy dominted website, no one has posted TTIWWOP. :lol:

Perhaps some of us want to actually be helpful and not turn this thread into every other thread on the internet? :confused:

:rolleyes:

But to ease your mind...

TTIWWOP... and Post Tits or GTFO. :rolleyes:

She's ONLY 19, thats barely out of HS

Giggity.

There, is your faith in the internets renewed? LOL.

She could have been nervious about telling you about the kid, some ppl are prejudiced about that stuff.

Which could explain why she's defensive... but at the same time, don't want to be upfront with someone you might be in a relationship with? Or perhaps, that's a matter of maturity.

- HP

[sleepy04]

Lulz, yes my faith in the Interwebz is restored :p...Though for the record i wasn't complaining, just noting the difference.:rolleyes:

My question is...did SHE know she was in a "relationship"? A month is not a long time to know someone, and generally not long enough to call something a "relationship". She might have been in the "feeling him out" stage. And if she's been burned in the past, that would explain why she was taking her time telling him about the kid.

[xxthat girlxx]

Well you can tell this isn't a guy dominted website, no one has posted TTIWWOP. :lol:

I first read this thread on my iPhone on my lunch break. I couldn't respond properly on my phone and I ALMOST typed "tits of GTFO" or "TTIWWOP". HA.

It's not (just) a matter of age, but of experience and thinking things through.

- HP

I agree. Last night Sam said that for all the times he teases me for acting old his thinks I am old/mature for my age. And it was actually a compliment. :eek::lol:

[bannerd]

Yeah, I was burned pretty bad in the past too... sometimes life isn't fair and takes the best things from you. If she didn't want to answer my question she should have told me that it was sensitive. What do I know, every girl I've met and been with has gone down hill so fast. It just sucks for me because I go to work at 5am and sometimes don't get home till 8-9pm. It makes it harder for me to find ladies that I relate too. I'm sure you could relate to anyone but it's not adam and eve and sadly it's a small world.

To make a long story short she said her brother is a meth dealer tonight. I know she doesn't do drugs but I just told her she needs to take her kid away from that. Anyways she went off and told me never to talk to her again. I'm sure she will call back but I'm not dealing with this. On a positive note I just got word from my best friend he's going to be a dad with his new wife!

[sleepy04]

Personally, the more and more you find out, it sounds like she is a major drama queen. Hate to say this, but i'd cut my losses. I wouldn't talk to her anymore.

[bannerd]

Personally, the more and more you find out, it sounds like she is a major drama queen. Hate to say this, but i'd cut my losses. I wouldn't talk to her anymore.

Yes, I've already decided this, none of the less it's all good information. Thanks all :) This always helps me...

adV8-_hgL4g (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=adV8-_hgL4g)

[Superwomanchick]

Honestly, being 19 without a job or license isn't that acceptable. Is she going to school? 19 may seem young but at that time in your life you should at least be working for what you want and need and you should really have your own means of transportation especially if you have a kid. A month is a long time to not mention a kid, it sounds like she was trying to hide it and that is definitely not a thing you should hide. If you have a kid young you try to make the best of it. You lose the ability to act like a teenager because you don't come first anymore, your child does. To me she sounds like a freeloader.

[bannerd]

Honestly, being 19 without a job or license isn't that acceptable. Is she going to school? 19 may seem young but at that time in your life you should at least be working for what you want and need and you should really have your own means of transportation especially if you have a kid. A month is a long time to not mention a kid, it sounds like she was trying to hide it and that is definitely not a thing you should hide. If you have a kid young you try to make the best of it. You lose the ability to act like a teenager because you don't come first anymore, your child does. To me she sounds like a freeloader.

I agree, It was actually a hair longer than a month but it was just shocking for me to find out. Like I said I never dated a girl with a baby before and I honestly wouldn't mind but she made a big deal out of it. I know I would of minded if I didn't have the assets I have now. As for her she needs to know what her assets are, a kid in a drug/meth dealer house is just not good and I gave her my peace of mind about it. Freeloader is probably the best term to explain her, for all I know she probably would want me to have a baby with her to collect child support. I do have a heavy heart but I'm not dumb so I'll deal with it.